Marriage…and Divorce

“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”

– G.K. Chesterton “What is Wrong with the World”

This quote rings as true with me on so many levels. Here I am. I’m a twice annulled Catholic sitting at 40 on the number line. There are no compatible marriages. It is about sticking it out and survival.

I regret my first divorce so much. I was young and dumb. I was brought up in dysfunction and brought that dysfunction into our marriage. I hurt on the daily because I’ve made my first family hurt on so many levels. I grieve the loss of that relationship frequently. It was his third marriage. My first. He was my first experience as being a grown up. I became a parent, a wife, a homeowner. All of that. At 24 years old. I didn’t know what I was doing. Apparently, he didn’t either. I pray for him. I hope he finds his peace.

My second marriage was just because I was trying to move forward through the pain of my first divorce. I married some guy I met online. I found out (after we were married) that he was a raging atheistic alcoholic. He left my house in handcuffs. There is a restraining order written into the divorce. And I carry on the daily.

Between the demise of the two marriages, I ended up with PTSD. I would have nightmares every single night for years. I struggled for years to put one foot in front of the other. But here I am, trying to repair my broken heart and heal it for good. Only Jesus can do that.

I’ve learned through all my experiences that I cannot depend on people to fix me. Whether that is a therapist, a doctor, or a friend. Only Jesus heals. And through my daily fiat, I am letting him do just that.

Grace is not in a pretty package. All neat and orderly. Grace is thrown on us in our dirtiness. It is given to us in our messes. Grace is given as we make small yeses to God.

You will never be clean enough to earn grace. You will never be dirty enough to have grace reject you. Love finds us in the mire. Pulls us out. And gives us the strength to move forward as we are. Embrace grace.


Suffering as a Means to Grace

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A Catholic friend once told me that his mom was constantly reminding him to offer up his suffering as a means to grace. His mom was a wise woman I believe. Grace extends a little love in our direction and pulls us close to God. How I need the grace!

The last year of my life has been a lot of suffering. Some of it has been self inflicted, no doubt. But some of it, just was there-with no rhyme or reason. I’ve made an effort in the last year to offer that suffering up to Jesus. And it has made my struggles a little more manageable to bear.

Jesus went through so much out of Love. Just pure Love. His Love for us allowed Him to sacrifice. My struggles are nowhere near what Jesus suffered, but it’s enough to help me remember that he did indeed went through much more than I have. That helps me find the grace.

God is the God of Mercy. Mercy and Love. No matter how much we don’t deserve it. No matter how much we sin. God Loves us. You and me. I pray that we both find the grace we are seeking. I pray that we seek that grace daily. I pray that we find our peace through our trials. Hugs, dear readers.


Total Transparency

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Dear sisters,

I am writing you today to be transparent in my journey through life. I am a sinner. I struggle with selfishness, ingratitude, and anger. I also struggle with trusting Jesus. Because I am a sinner, I need Jesus all the more.

It has been awhile since I’ve actually participated in Mass sitting in the Church. Often and regularly, I tune into Mass using EWTN. Getting in to the actual parish to attend Mass is much more of a struggle. You see, I struggle with anxiety. Social settings trigger waves of anxiety in me. I know I need Jesus. I also fear people. Here is the deal. I’m hoping by being transparent in my struggles that other women will connect and will also support me in my journey.

Often, it is simple to talk myself out of attending Mass. I can justify things. I can lean into old habits. I can flounder in my faith. That is not who I want to be. I desire to be a faithful Catholic. I desire to grow and have Jesus cleans my soul. I desire to perfect my experience while traveling through this journey on Earth. It is my goal to at least actually attend Mass in person and body once a month. If I can start that habit and release the fear that grips my heart, maybe I will be able to attend more often than that.

I share this, so you understand the person behind the keyboard, social media, and blog is a living, breathing soul with issues…just like you. We all have struggles. The more open we are about them, the less power they have over us. Please pray for me, as I am praying for you.


What are the Seven Sacraments?

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The Catholic Church teaches that there are seven sacraments. The are (in no particular order) Eucharist, Baptism, Confirmation, Marriage, the Priesthood, Reconciliation, and Anointing the Sick. Each of these sacraments helps reveal Grace to the Church.

To me the sacraments are God’s gift to the Church. Allowing us to fully experience Him and His mercy while getting to worship Him. That may be an oversimplified definition, but it is one that I am able to process, understand, share, and act out.

At some point in the near future there will be a post about the Eucharist, transubstantiation, and my conversion story. Until then, I just want you, dear reader, to be aware that the sacraments exist and they are good. I will post some links below to offer you more information about the sacraments.


A New Journey on an Old Path

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Greetings! I have taken about 2 months off from consistently posting on Teal Guava. It has been a doozie of a summer and spring. The good news is I’m back and I’m stronger for the time away.

As far as my personal journey…those of you who follow the blog know that I have bipolar disorder. I don’t hide my disease and quite often am very outspoken about mental health issues. Here’s the deal. After my dad dying in October, my dog dying in March, David kicking me out at the end of April and all this going on while my doctor wasn’t listening to me and my medication stopped working led to my third hospitalization from bipolar disorder.

I can say that I successfully completed the 7 week program and I am SO much stronger than I was before. I have a new doctor, a medication that works, and a great therapist. I’m good to go!

Through the journey of self discovery while I was hospitalized, I remembered how important my faith is to me. You see, I’m a Catholic convert. I came into the Church in 2013. The journey of my conversion has been an ongoing process. The whole of that story I shall tell at another time. After cohabitating for 3 years, I’ve learned I never want to do that again. Ever. I’ve also learned that Mary leads us back to Jesus every time.

All this to say, I’m still going to write about finances, health, and the like. I’m also going to be writing about faith. You don’t have to have the same faith or any faith to continue to read this blog. I just ask that you listen with an open heart and listen through love.

I’m excited to bring you the journey of me coming back into the Church and all that this entails. I’m excited to share my faith and my hope with you, dear reader. I’m excited to start this journey.